Depression

I'm just letting the frustration flow....

Here it is.  What 'it' is, I'm not quite sure.  I just know I'm frustrated.

I deal with depression.

And I hate it.

I have guilt, anger, and pain over it.

My mother (and probably my Grandmother) has dealt with it for, like, ever.  Crap, does that mean I have to too?!

As much as I love my mom, truly I do, there is this HUGE part of my that desperately does NOT want to be like her. Like really, really.  There.  Said it out loud.

Thus the guilt.

I am a LOT like her though and that makes me angry.  Prideful and very, very angry because I don't want to be controlled by something, and I don't want to see my life go by while I set, being depressed, and do NOTHING.  I want better for myself.

It really doesn't have anything to do with anyone else, and yet it does. I want better for me, because at my best I can do my best for others.  For the ones I love the most. But mostly because I don't want my life to count for nothing and I want to actually enjoy life, because so far, it's been pretty great.

I feel like I'm coming out of a fog. Christmas really kicked my trash this year. I'm not even sure why, but it was BAD. Deep, dark, empty. Am I bi-polar? Am I manic? Am I lazy?

Now I have all of this gumption that I don't know what to do with. I don't have time to do everything I want to do. Clean house, organize it, decorate it, paint, make pillows and blankets, take photos, save for a camera, learn how to make open face typography fonts, lose weight.

Good grief, I'm a whiner.

FRUSTRATED.