Hail Mary Pass

At J's last game he threw a long ball and the light bulb went off in my head.

Raising a child is like throwing a Hail Mary pass.

The term "Hail Mary pass" was used by Roger Staubach following a game in a post-game interview. Previous to this play, a last-second desperation pass had been called several names, most notably the "Alley-Oop". Staubach, who had been hit immediately after throwing the ball and didn't see its ending, was asked about the play and he said, "You mean Pearson caught the ball and ran in for the touchdown? It was just a Hail Mary pass; a very, very lucky play." Staubach told reporters "I closed my eyes and said a Hail Mary". 

Each morning I watch J drive away with his Dad and wish for him to have a good day.  Then I see T and Lu run out the door to the bus stop and I wait for them to get on, find their seat and wave at me as the bus pulls away.  Then the house seems to sigh and sound incredibly empty.  I still feel those heart tugs.

I know I'm sending them out in the world to grow and learn and BE, but man, sometimes it's hard to let go.

Never in the history of ever has a baby been born that was self sufficient.  My babies all needed me, or someone like me, to help them with the basics of life.  The feeding, the changing, the comforting, the snuggling. I could have seriously eaten their little cherub cheeks. Can you blame me? My heart swelled and enveloped them and I promised them, myself, and God that I would do my best to raise them to be the people He wants them to be.

When they were little, our small family life was all they knew and all they needed.  They were fed and nurtured and it wasn't perfect, but it was perfect for them.  I've been sad but excited to see each phase change into the next.  

They are resilient little people and somehow they've survived my often weak attempts at parenting.

We've also been blessed to be around family and friends who have taught them things we couldn't or haven't.

We've tried to teach them to live well.  Go. Run. Play. Discover. Work hard. Be polite. We try to live a good life.  We do church, we do prayers. We do our best to be honest, to be nice and help others.  We try to live what we believe more than we say it.  

I find comfort in Proverbs 22:6.  Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it.

Is it ever really enough?   I feel the weight of wondering if I've done enough and wishing I could do more. And I understand when my parents tell me they still worry about us.  That worry will never go away.

Life gets noisy.

Do your best and then do your best to let go.

That is the hard part.

I'm so very grateful for the Savior and the gospel.  It gives me guidance and hope.

Now J is into school, sports, friends, and (gasp) girls. :) Even though he can't date until he's 16, he has a lot of friends.  He's a good mix of shy and strong.  T is finding his own voice and confidence.  Lu is only learning her ABC's, but I know she'll be a teenager in the blink of an eye.

And I worry.  

I wonder what mistakes they will make that they regret and how those things will shape them.  I wonder how they will hurt others by accident or on purpose and what they will do to try and make it better.  I wonder what opportunities they will have or create for themselves.  I wonder what pain they will have that I can not fix. I wonder what brilliance will come out of them that will change them and maybe change others.  

I want them to be strong.  I want them to make good choices.  I want them to know who they are.  That they are children of a loving God and that they have limitless potential for good.  I want them to be there for each other and keep each other on the right track.  I hope I/we've done enough to prepare them.

I hope they will have dreams and will be determined to get them  Part of me has anxiety each time I let go of my grip a little more, and part of me is so very excited for them to go live.

I know they are young and far from on their own.  I want them to know they can make mistakes, have success and have a secure place at home either way.  I send them out into the world a little at a time and hope for the best with a prayer in my heart.

Just like a Hail Mary pass.